A Long Time Gone

Wow it has been a long time! So much has happened since our last post I don't even know where to start. The long and short is that we are officially residents of the Netherlands now. 

It was definitely a crazy end to our six years in India. Without going into detail in regards to the India-United States drama that transpired, we really couldn't bring ourselves to blog in the final months in India. We loved our time in India, but we are very happy we made the decision to leave when we did.

We moved two adults, twin two and a half year olds, a labrador, seven suitcases, and one hundred and two boxes from New Delhi to Amsterdam. The actual moving was painless thanks to wonderful relocation packages from our employers. 

Our new house is fantastic. We rented with only seeing photos and are very happy with our selection. We are about a fifteen minute walk and a five minute bike ride to work. Also we are only a five minute bike ride away from a giant shopping center, and a massive forest to explore in.

In our first few weeks in the Netherlands we have met several new people and are having a great time. We were greeted with fantastic weather the first week. Lately though we have been experiencing the normal rain that is typical for the region.

Amsterdam is refreshing and clean, and just all around easy to navigate. Cedric and Ezra are loving all of the public transportation... trains, trams, busses, and bikes they love it all! 

Our family is in love with our new home. We look forward to getting to know this place as we get settled in. 

Oh and we also plan to get back into regular blogging now that life is a bit more calm.

Here are a few pictures since we last posted.

Chad & Cedric in Mauritius

Mary, Douglas, Cedric @ brunch

102 boxes enroute to The Netherlands

This is our life

Ezra - "Jet lag stinks"

Grandpa's story time

Quick trip through DC 

Douglas & Ezra giant slip and slide fun

Chad & Cedric giant slip and slide fun

Fried everything at Columbus Pride 2014

Ezra surfs up in Outer Banks NC

Douglas & Cedric go to Ivanhoes!

Cousin play time

Fresh haircuts

Cedric - "Take my picture!"

Baltimore MD

Our first family bike ride

Playing in our new back garden

Kitchen singing time

Cheese!

Chad

When The Stars Align

All of the stars have aligned. When we started our job search we never dreamed that we would be presented with such an amazing opportunity. All of our wants and a few bonus features for our next home have been met. The city is clean, they had jobs for both of us, and our marriage will be legally recognized!

We are happy to announce that in August 2014 we are moving to Amsterdam in the Kingdom of the Netherlands.

Here is a flash back photo from when we first went to Amsterdam in 2008!

Smiles ear to ear!

Chad & Douglas

Two

Cedric and Ezra are officially two. Actually they turned two several days ago, but we have just been too busy to talk about it. In the last month I have been to Las Vegas and Douglas has been Denver and back. Our house has been a revolving door of activity.

Language development has reached a new level. The boys are becoming easier to communicate with which means life with twins is starting to calm down. Of course it is still wild, but once your children understand what you are asking of them it feels more like a partnership.

In other news we are heading to Prague for Christmas this year. We are super excited about this trip. Cedric and Ezra will get their first taste of genuine cold weather.

Another blog post is coming with updates about leaving Delhi and the search for new jobs.

Chad

Leaving India

This year will be our sixth and final year living in New Delhi. We decided last May that it is time for a change, and we are sticking to our plan. I say that jokingly, but we call India the golden handcuffs. We have great jobs, great salaries and live in a great community and therefore it is hard to give it all up for the unknown. Our number one choice would be to remain abroad, but we are also looking at moving back to the United States if that plan doesn't work out.

India has changed tremendously in the past six years, but India is a still tough place to live. I look back to the first time I arrived at the old worn down Delhi airport. It was the first time I had left the United States and my emotions were high. I remember coming down the stairs into passport control and bursting into tears. "What in the hell am I doing?"

India is a crazy place. Most people come for short stays and click pictures of the chaos because it is so wild it is funny. When we first arrived we felt the same way. It is interesting to look back at those first time experiences and compare how I felt then and how I feel now. I think we progress in waves. Our feelings have progressed from this is wild and it is funny, to this is wild and it is normal, and now to this is wild and it annoys me.

Our time in India has been wonderful. Our lives have truly changed because of this place. It is an experience we will never regret. India is full of firsts for us and it is a place we will never forget.


Chad

Are We OK?

One of my closest friends from high school and college is now a psychologist in the air force. He deals with all kinds of patients with many kinds of mental health issues. Due to his deployments and our living in India, we haven't seen each other in three years. In those three years a lot has happened (like the birth of our twins, and the birth of his daughter). So, we met up in Atlanta over the weekend.

More about the trip later.

For now, suffice it to say that every time I'm around other parents (and certainly around the children of a psychologist), I'm constantly watching them and asking myself, are we OK?

Yesterday, I made an appointment with the pediatrician, not because anything is wrong, just to check in and see if we're OK.

Today, I did a google search--my first mistake of the day--for 18-24 month developmental milestones. Yes, my kids are doing most of the things on "the list." But they're not doing all of them. Are we OK?

My sister's kids were around last week. Her son is two months older than my kids and about 10lbs heavier. He's a better eater, and says more words. Crap. I mean, I'm happy for her. But all of that only leads me to ask, are we OK?

Chad and I have often joked that we'd be EXCELLENT parents if we had a singleton instead of twins (any other parents of multiples know this feeling?). But we don't have one, we have two! Which, of course, leads to the question; are we OK?

And then there's pinterest and all of the parents that have time to enrich their children's lives with neat activities, and then have time to create how to's for the rest of us underachievers. Yikes. We may not be OK.

And, oh goodness, there's the fact that we're same sex parents, and I constantly feel like people are waiting for us to fail so they can say "I told you so!" Are we really OK?

I'm not panicky. In my own estimation of myself and Chad, I think we're pretty calm parents. But it is a daily task to stop asking whether or not we're OK and really focus on my interactions with my kids. And, I guess that is the point of this rather rant-like post. I want to spend more time in the moment with my kids, and less time worrying about whether or not we're OK.

Bangkok - No Babies!

It is the end of the year. It is too hot to move. I just finished a huge work project. Doug just got over a three week illness and finished end of year grades. So we are flying over to Bangkok for a weekend of fun and relaxation.

We disguised this trip as a belated birthday gift to me, but the truth is... we need an adult trip!

When we get back to Delhi we will have three weeks of end of year stuff to do. Then we are off to America for two months.

We are looking forward to reconnecting with friends and family.

Chad 

Baby Proofing

Our house is 99% baby proof... leave it to Ezra to find the 1%.

While I was getting dinner ready the boys were free range throughout the house. They were having a good time laughing and playing with their toys. I ran into the bedroom for a minute and when I came out Ezra was in his crib. Doug asked me if I put him there and still in shock I said no.

I took him out and put him on the floor to see if he would demonstrate his new found ability and off he went. A few minutes later he was back in the nursery again so I watched him from the hallway. He knocked the pillows off the couch, used them as a step, climbed on the couch, climbed up on the arm rest, and did a swan dive into the crib. I gasped because I was sure it was my turn to go to an Indian emergency room, but up he jumped with a smile on his face.

Ezra is going to make my hair grey.

The couch has been moved.

Chad

Music to Our Ears

If you haven't heard the news, or heard the song, you've got to watch this. Congratulations to all our friends in New Zealand!

From Towleroad:

Hundreds of spectators in the gallery of New Zealand's parliament broke into a rendition of the love song “Pokarekare Ana” in the indigenous Maori language after the marriage equality bill was passed today.

Up and Out: Thailand

We are leaving for the airport in thirty minutes. Douglas did a great job at the last minute packing, and I managed to doubt him only once. We are close to being professionals... I think.

This should be a quick, easy, and painless trip. The only bad thing is the overnight flight being four hours and we land at sunrise. So it looks like a short night and a long day ahead. It will all be worth it after spending two weeks on a private beach with each other and our boys.

Happy Holidays!

Chad, Douglas, Cedric & Ezra

Playing Catch Up: First Birthday Party

Our last day in Istanbul was Cedric & Ezra's first birthday. We enjoyed carpet shopping, apple tea drinking, purchasing a great painting, and of course hopping on a plane. I sat down today and calculated how many flights the boys have been on in their first year and here is what I came up with.

Delhi-Newark-Indianapolis
Indianapolis-Houston-Frankfurt-Delhi
Delhi-Goa
Goa-Delhi
Delhi-Istanbul-Paris
Paris-Chicago-Indianapolis
Indianapolis-Newark-Delhi
Delhi-Hong Kong
Hong Kong-Delhi
Delhi-Istanbul
Istanbul-Delhi

So there you have it 17 take offs and landings and 46,530 miles in their first year of life. Not many babies can say they have been in six different countries (seven if you count Texas) before the age of one.

My mother came back to Delhi with us and we had a great two weeks hanging out around the house and exploring Delhi-lite. While she was here we had a proper celebration with our overseas family. Thankfully the boys are not all that into sugar and messes... yet.

We are off to Koh Chang Thailand next week for winter break. We get to spend almost three weeks with our asses in the sand and beers in our hands!

Here are a few pictures from the party.

 Chad

When You Don't Have Anything Nice to Say

I've heard some crazy things while out with our twins. Some people, even when their intent is not to be rude or prying, really have no filter at all.

But, this story takes the cake. Take a second and read it!

Meanwhile, in Indianapolis, Chad and I had brunch on Sunday at one of the more popular breakfast places in the gayborhood. The food was great! The service--well--not so much. I am perfectly aware that, while being the 12th largest city in the US, Indianapolis is not a bastion of progressively-minded families. Nor are people really accustomed to seeing two-dad families strolling around.

But, I was completely unprepared for the cold-shouldered reception that we received from this particular LGBT-friendly restaurant. Now, let me provide some context: our stroller was stationed out of the way, not taking up any usable table space, our kids were quietly playing with their toys, we went at an off-peak time and our order was uncomplicated.

 Despite all of those mitigating factors (and when compared to our last venture out for breakfast which occurred at a Bob Evans with a waitress named Jenny who almost hugged our faces off because she thought our kids were so cute), we were totally not taken care of. I'll spare you the details on all of the things the waiter did that I found rude or dismissive; suffice it to say that in spite of leaving with full and happy bellies, I was scratching my head a bit.

And then I read this. And I wondered even more about what had happened to us on Sunday morning. Did we get the cold shoulder because we were a family at a restaurant other than Bob Evans? Or is there something else going on in the LGBT community.

Chad and Ezra doing some people watching from our 2nd-story loft in downtown Indy

We have about two more weeks to explore the area around our loft, so I'll let you know what we discover. 

Waiting!

We'll, it's official. We're the hold outs. All of the twins due around the same time as us whose parents (or surrogates) write blogs we follow have been born. Big, big, big congratulations to Aleksandra, Stacey and Lee, and Jeni (and her IPs Fareed and George). We are so thrilled for the happy healthy babies who are the pride and joy of their parents. I guess that means it's our turn next.

Meanwhile, this is a link to a GREAT post that I just read about talking with strangers you meet about being same sex parents. This has been on my mind lately, because I have been talking to my students about my upcoming absence from school, and the fact that my family is growing by two. My students have been great, and so happy for me and Chad. Mostly they just want to know if the twins are going to be boys or girls, but a few students have asked if I have a wife. To that, I reply that I don't have a wife, I have a partner.

At this point, I want to stop and say something about my beliefs about freedom. I believe that people should have freedom to make judgements for themselves. But, too often, people spend too much time trying to put labels on things that don't need to be labeled. So, when I talk about my family, I remove all judgement from the way I present the information. This includes not saying things like it is OK, or "good" (and obviously not saying it's "bad"). I find that applying the label "good" or "bad" or any similar vocabulary just perpetuates the either/or, good/bad dichotomy, which is in my opinion, most often a false dichotomy, or even inapplicable.

So, I just say the way that it is. And, guess what. My students are completely unshaken by this. They take the information in and go on with their day (and hopefully, discuss it with their parents if they have questions). I hope that the way I talk about my family with my students perpetuates a climate of peace. There is a basic wisdom that resides within children. They know that all families are different. My family is two partners. Some families are only a mom. Some are only a dad. In India, some families are a aunts, uncles, cousins, grandmas and grandpas. We are all different. Kids get it.

Cheers and Peace,
Douglas 

Sharing is Caring, Right?

It happens to everyone. For me, it was my recent trip to Belgium, when I met several people from places I'd never been to who--it turns out--know all of the same people I know. In one instance, a teacher in The Netherlands had gone to college with the person who, twenty years later, gave me my first job as a pianist. You already know that I believe we are all connected to each other. But, it's experiences like this, the ones that happen half a world away from home, that leave you either wanting to hum It's A Small World After All, or the theme to The Twilight Zone.

Landry art? 

But, our interconnectedness makes me wonder about the nature of information sharing, and specifically blogging. Last night, I was spending time on Facebook. One of my college friends who is now pregnant was asking for advice on strollers. So, I sent her the link to our stroller. A little while later, I went and checked to see what other people had said. I was amazed to find there were 27 different comments. Some comments offered diverging viewpoints, some agreed. By the end of the whole thing, I am pretty sure that my poor friend was even more confused about her situation than she was before she asked her question. Situations like this beg the question: shouldn't we just sit down and shut up?

In the age of interconnectivity and way too much information, why contribute to a greater cloud of noise? Well, for me, and for this blog, our contribution to cyberspace's cacophony is to shed light on a path that might be misunderstood. Our journey with surrogacy has been our chosen path to get to the goal of a family of our own. Everyone takes a path, and everyone has a journey. And even if you are the typical opposite-sex couple, and you have the wedding, then the house in the burbs with the white picket fence, and perfectly-behaved labrador, and you are exactly like so many other couples in the world (or at least in North America), even then,  your journey to grow a family will be your own. It will not be the same as anyone else. There are many, many ways to make a family. Surrogacy is one way that people grow their families.

Here's my point: our surrogacy experience is our path. In blogging about it, we demystify the smaller curves and corners, and we shed light  on how all of our paths are similar and different. I know that when I've read the blogs of others who have walked their paths before me, I saw new possibilities for myself and my family. I learned that everyone has choices; that everyone makes decisions about families; that our decisions are our own; that the judgements of others are not important; that there were supportive communities for families of all types; that all families are different; that all families are the same.

Through blogging, I also hope to make connections with people who are on a similar path because I think it will be important for our kids so, they can know other kids who have similar backgrounds. In doing this, they can feel a sense of belonging. I believe that everyone has a need to belong, just like everyone has a need to be independent, free and different!

I'm not sure what will happen to this blog after our twins are born. Already, I've noticed that not many parents of multiples maintain blogs (ha!). And, although I think it'd be very interesting to write about parenting, I've already noticed that even in talking with close friends about parenting, everyone has opinions, and it's hard to remove judgement from conversations. It's possibly worse than discussing religion, sex, or politics. Maybe, this blog will turn into a place for family and friends who live far away to check out how our kids are doing and how much they've grown. Who knows? The future is full of possibilities. Meanwhile, stay tuned, because the next few weeks are bound to be very interesting!

Cheers,
Douglas

Their Story, Our Stories

One of the most unexpected, and beautiful aspects of our surrogacy journey is the community relationship that we have come to feel a part of as a result of this and other blogs. Chad tells me that Jeni posted about this incredible story a few weeks ago, but somehow I must have missed it. Wouldn't it be wonderful if they could tell their story to an even wider audience?

Summer Fun

I haven't had much to say lately. We are enjoying a quiet second trimester, and I am a teacher on vacation. While I have been working on a number of projects, and I've already attended one professional development conference, my mind has basically been turned off for the last few weeks.

On the occasions when I have turned my grey matter back on, here are a few things I have noticed:

First, during all of our travels this summer, I've continuously been asking myself (and Chad too), what will this be like with babies? We can't stop thinking about it. We got upgraded on our flight to Florida yesterday, and I can report that flying first class with babies will be just fine, if that ever happens again. Thinking about the travel question jumpstarts our thinking about how long will it take us to get the kids ready, pack everything up, load up a car or a taxi, or head through security in the airport. How many days ahead of time will we have to leave before we get to our scheduled destination? If diaper bag A leaves town X headed east at 30 mph, and diaper bag B leaves country Y headed west at 80kmh, how many minutes does it take before the complexity of the whole operation makes us want to throw in the burp rag and head home?

Second, parenting--you know, the part that happens after these babies arrive--has been on my mind a lot lately. What kind of parents will we be? I know what kind of teacher I am, and I am sure my teacher sense will inform my parenting (and vice-versa). But so far, the parenting question has mostly been defined by how I don't want to parent. For example, I just downloaded The Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother on my kindle. I've only read the first chapter, but I can already tell you that my style of parenting will not be Chinese.

I've got a few books that I'm starting to read right now about baby schedules, raising twins, and parenting, but I have to express my disappointment that almost all of the really comprehensive, in-depth, newborn books are written towards the female audience. Our neighborhood Borders had at least 20 newborn books, all various shades of pink, definitely written for the soon-to-be mom. Sitting next to these books were two what could generously be referred to as pamphlets obviously written for fathers. These books were around twenty pages in length and mostly filled with colorful illustrations about how not to break your baby. Yikes. I'll stop here and let you draw your own conclusions and social commentary and whatnot before this post turns into a serious, ranting diatribe about fathers' involvement in child raising. Suffice it--for now-- to say that I'm still looking for serious newborn, or parenting books written from a male perspective, or at the very least, a gender neutral point of view. Recommendations? Has Edward written one yet?

Meanwhile, we are in Florida visiting my brother and having a great time. We have decided that Florida in late June is still much much more preferable to monsoon season in Delhi. We are actually enjoying the hot climate.

Cheers,

Douglas

The Dream

We are just a little past 14 weeks pregnant. Up until this point, I've dreamed about our children in cloudy dreams with vague faces and muted scenes. Last night that all changed as I had the most vivid dream and one of our children was laying right next to me. It was so real. Then, the other was handed to me in my arms. I lived in this dream world for couldn't have been more than a minute, but in that minute I touched and held our children. And then I woke up. I was so taken by this experience that a million thoughts burst into my head and I couldn't return to sleep.

Happy Weekend Blogging

I love traveling. That's part of the reason I jumped at the chance to move to India a few years ago. Otherwise, Chad and I were living in Indianapolis, which is a great town, but the prospects of getting anywhere exotic quickly from the midwest are slim to none. Last weekend in Thailand was amazing. It's great to be able to hop on a 3-hour flight and be in a different country and in an actual city (as opposed to Delhi).

But, I have to say that it is good to be home this weekend. It was an amazingly busy week at work. Speaking of work, it is winding down for this school year now. And although I'll still be spending at least part of this gorgeous Saturday in my classroom, this will be a chilled out weekend. To get things started this morning we made breakfast and have spent some quality time catching up with other surrogacy blogs. So many things are happening:

Congratulation to Paula and Justin on the arrival of their twins! I can't imagine having two and still waiting for a third!

TwoDadFamily has posted a great list of things to do before the birth of your kiddos.

Towleroad has this video of what our dog Jyoti will be doing when our twinnies arrive:

And Chaibabies have the cutest bath-in-a-bucket pictures ever!

Whatever you find yourself doing this weekend, I hope you enjoy it.

Cheers,

Douglas

Nine Weeks

It is hard to believe we found out we were pregnant one month ago today. So much has happened and our little guys or gals are growing like crazy. The most fascinating development this week is finger prints. They are waving hello to everyone through the amniotic fluid, and that creates their own little identity.

For whatever reason, Package did not arrange for us to receive copies of the latest scans. Apparently he assumed that we would only want the detailed report but had no interest in looking at our babies. This kind of lack of communication has not been typical of our experience, and we will be expressing our expectations in a clearer fashion very soon. Meanwhile, there is one copy of the ultrasound that must stay with our doctor, but we will get to take a look at the pictures next week. It might not be possible to post them on the blog as there are no digital copies to obtain.

Our relationship with Package is unique. I understand that most--if not all--of his clients are based out of India. We are here, and we're both used to dealing with Indians, so this kind of miscommunication is something that we expect to happen. I definitely don't think he is used to having westerners in his time zone; and it is possible our expectations are higher than others.

Even though we have a long way to go I am starting to get the parenting jitters. I am beginning to think about my childhood and what I hope to avoid in my parenting style. I also wonder how the world will change and how our children will be accepted and perceived. A random thought came to me when calling the bank yesterday. The agent asked me my mother's maiden name. How will our children respond? Will that question be irrelevant when they are older?

My mind is racing... everything will be fine.

-Chad-

Two Daddies

Just saw these on Jeni's blog. I had to swipe them and put them on ours. Yes, I know enough to know that it won't be as easy as they make it look!

It's possible that there has been some movement around our housing situation for next year. Hopefully, we'll get moved to a bigger place. I'll update when there's more info. I'm crossing my fingers.

Cheers,

Douglas

UPDATE

I got word at our after school meeting today that we don't have to live in a shoebox next year. After a little begging, the school put us in a larger apartment. SO HAPPY!!

Little Boxes

Yikes! News just came out today about housing assignments for next year at our school. I think we might be the only family in the world to consider downsizing before having two babies. Let me give a little bit of back story for this one. . .

Chad and I are fortunate to work at a school in Delhi that is wonderfully progressive and equitable in how it treats all the staff regardless of race, religion, sexual orientation, etc. We both feel quite privileged to work where we do. Most of the teachers and administrators at this particular school are ex-pats, and as part of our benefits, the school provides us housing. Some of the teachers live off of the campus, and some live on campus. Generally, singles and married couples without kids live off campus, and couples with children live on campus.

There are benefits to living on and off campus. But, some of the reasons why we requested to be moved on campus are that the buildings have central air, central heating (which is more of an issue than you'd think in Delhi), reverse osmosis and uber-purified water in all taps and showers, and that the community is very supportive of parents and raising children. There are at least two other couples (hopefully three!!) that are pregnant right now along with us. So, there will definitely be other first time parents going through this experience right alongside us.

That said, imagine living where you work. I can't say that the idea of sleeping fewer than 500 feet from my classroom is very appealing to me. Further, one of the big benefits of living off campus is maintaining a relatively private existence. Being able to leave work, and having some solitude are things both Chad and I enjoy. Not to mention that we like our current apartment and its location.

Well, today, I am working very hard to remind myself of all of the positive things about living on campus, because seeing how small our apartment is going to be next year was definitely a shock. It's significantly smaller than the apartment we're in now, and I find myself wondering how we will all fit in such a little space.

In the big scheme of things, I know that this is not a very big deal at all (pun definitely not intended). We are moving for our children, who will be safer, cleaner and warmer because they are in the tiny little box of an apartment on campus, so this is really a no brainer. This is a sacrifice that I am so definitely--and happily--willing to make.

But, if anyone has any creative space-saving ideas, please leave them in the comments.

And meanwhile, here's a little folk music love for everyone.